The date was good. We had a good time over a meal and then Trivia Night, which was fun enough. We spent some time alone on the patio of the restaurant and made out a little. We got in the car and made out some more. I got inside her shirt. And she touched my special purpose, if only briefly and through my jeans.

She wants a commitment before we go any further physically. I find that a strange thing to say. I need to ask her what she means by commitment. I think it means she doesn’t trust me to not disappear after I’ve fucked her. She teases me and then shuts it down with vague promises of future shenanigans, when I’m “ready” (i.e. once I’ve made my commitment).

Then there’s the interpersonal dynamic. She seems rather blah, now that I’ve gotten to know her. She doesn’t really have any opinions or insights or much to say at all except talking about her family and making plans. 

She’s into Jesus. But on the whole, she isn’t too annoying about it, beyond the frequent invocation of prayer and praising God for her blessings.

She doesn’t own a computer. She hates the word ‘cunt.’ She kinda smells weird…. She thinks Nacho Cheese Doritos with cheese melted on them and then ranch dressing on top counts as nachos. She still won’t swear in front of me; today, I noticed she caught herself from saying ‘fucked up’ and switched it to ‘messed up’ and ‘effed up’ for the rest of the conversation.

So I’m realizing I may have been more interested in the prospect of any relationship, than I was in her, specifically. I know that’s a cold thing to say, but I’m an analytical person and an over-thinker, so I spend a lot of time reviewing my feelings and debating this kind of thing with myself. I sometimes feel like a sociopath in this regard.

But, anyway, I’m finding it difficult to get enthused about seeing her again. We have fun and it’s always pleasant. I care for her in a general, affable sort of way. I definitely enjoy the feeling of togetherness. But togetherness with this woman?

I’m conflicted. I wouldn’t mind continuing to see her, but I don’t think I would be being fair to her. She’s looking for a serious long-term thing. I am too, in truth, but not necessarily right away. I haven’t ever been in a relationship before, so I can’t honestly say what I’m looking for. It all sounds good, but I’m pretty sure I would wonder what I was missing. Maybe it’s not realistic to think I can have some amazing sexual renaissance in the pre-dawn of my middle-age. But I really don’t think I feel OK about getting too serious in my very first relationship.

The qualities I like in her are her caring nature, the fact that we both want a family one day. She’s supportive and nurturing in a way that’s really nice. She’s relatively straight-forward in her dealings with people. She thinks I’m sexy. She’s understanding of my emotional issues and my lack of romantic history, which is a huge stressor when I think about dating.

Although you only have my fragmented and biased account, I would appreciate any feedback anyone has. If you’re still reading by now, you won the Friday Super Prize of an all expense paid trip to my askbox.

This paragraph inserted to bury the prize announcement in the previous paragraph.